Over the past six months or so, I’ve lost a substantial amount of weight. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t obese or “fat”, but I was definitely overweight and had a bit of a belly going on. What can I say? I’m Italian and grew up eating pasta almost every night before sitting down to play some games. I’ve never been too active.
But over the last half-year, I discovered the quick and easy way to lose weight! And with everyone complaining about being a little bit heavier after the holidays, I know everyone’s looking for the super-fast and easy way to lose weight.
Well, my friends, it’s time to share my secret and effective guide to weight loss! All for the low, low price of absolutely free! Here’s how to shed those extra pounds (or kilos, if you’re European):
- Move out on your own (or at least cook your meals yourself). My weekly diet consists of hamburgers, pizza, bagels, breaded chicken, pasta, TV dinners, and coffee. I generally have the time and/or energy to eat once or twice a day.
- Get a job that has you working 10-14 hours a day. It’s imperative to be home only rarely, and to have little-to-no time to actually eat.
- Make sure that job consists of lots of physical activity, like moving 500+lb pallets of merchandise around stores and lifting and picking things up on a professional level. Gym-goers can’t even compare.
- Don’t track your progress! It’s best to lose weight without even realizing, while maintaining the same crappy diet you have your entire life! If you don’t have a goal, you’ll never get upset when you don’t reach it.
- Sleep when you’re home. Let’s face it: you’re going to be very tired all day. So when you get home, eat something easy to make from step 1, and then pass out.
- Wait a few months.
- Act perplexed when you finally run into someone you recognize and they’re amazed by how much weight you’ve lost. You probably haven’t even realized you’ve been slimming out, despite having pain in muscles you never knew you had before. Thank the person complimenting you, then go home and look in the mirror and ask yourself whose reflection that is.
- Keep lifting and putting things back down on a professional level, repeating steps 1-7.
And that’s it! The secret to weight loss!